NaBloPoMo15: That Biggest Fear!

(Written on Nov 6th, but forgot to post)

Hm, fears. And not just fears, what was my biggest fear as a child?

This one isn’t easy to pin down like “afraid of heights” or “afraid of monsters.” However, as a child, I think my parents would say I was afraid of the dark. I was very afraid when it was time to sleep so as soon as the lights went out, I would get scared. There were times when my parents would need to sleep with me because I had a very hard time sleeping otherwise. If I exam it closer, I would say I was afraid to stay up by myself. Is that an actual fear? Anyway, I would not be able to sleep if I was the last one up so maybe it was a fear of being alone? But then I could be a lone, for the most part, during the day.

To explain “for the most part.” I could play in my room by myself and be content to sit by myself until my imagination started wondering.

So, maybe it was a fear of dreaming.

That is the best way to explain it. I had me some really scary nightmares, for a kid. And these nightmares weren’t necessarily when I was sleeping. It very well could happen while I was wide awake (so maybe I had a fear of my imagination?). And when the lights went out and it was time to sleep, I was afraid because everyone usually goes to sleep around that time, leaving me wide awake, by myself, with nothing to distract me from dreaming. The concept of Freddy Krueger was very real to me in the sense that my mind played tricks on me (not actually dreaming of Freddy, which is why I never watched that movie. Oh no. I was already very familiar with dreams haunting me, thank you very much).

One night, I had a combo of four nightmares! Back to back. And I didn’t wake up because I knew I was dreaming, which is why I tried to change my dream but every time I tried it was to another nightmare.

My dream started off with me watching a movie at the movie theatre. I was sitting down, with my popcorn waiting for the movie to come on. It was a combo stage-and-screen kind of theatre. Suddenly, I see people getting pulled to the floor. Like they were sliding to the floor. That’s when I realized this theatre kills people. One minute they could be siting by you and the next, BAM!, they’re in they’re on the floor, dead. And it was a gory death or anything, but the one man I saw in the middle of the isle? His face looked bluish so I figured he must have been strangled to death. I was super scared, but for some reason I knew it was a dream so my body didn’t wake up. Instead, it changed.

I was in a room, my dream told me it was my bedroom, lying in bed trying to sleep, when the wall started to turn into this puddle. It started off small and grew larger and larger until it was the size of manhole. Then an arm shoots through this hole-thing (because as a child I didn’t really understand terms and concepts like ‘portal’ or ‘interdimension’) and grabs me to suck me in. Freaked out and fighting for my life, I changed my dream.

It’s night and I’m walking down this almost deserted street. There were other people walking, leisurely. So, I think I’m in a better place then the hole in the wall and I start to hear music. This song is a bit melancholy (except as a kid I thought it sounded a bit sad, because I didn’t know melancholy but melancholy fts better) and I start to follow it. It leads me to a café and as I enter the café and take a seat, it’s like I’m in a trans. I see an empty stage with lights dim and that’s it. I don’t look at them, but I know there are others in the room, listening, so I’m not scared yet. There are people. But as I sit listening to this music, something tells me to look around. Something demands me to observe. So I start to look. All seems normal at first, people sitting and listening to the music. But as I continue to sweep the room with my eyes, I notice that some people have blood seeping down their ears. The music is killing people! That’s what my brain concludes and of course I freak out again and make a run for the door. But even as I run to the door I know it’s locked and sure enough, it is. It’s not like anyone is chasing after me, but I can still hear the music so I keep tugging at the door, getting frustrated, when I feel eyes on me so I turn around and see that a tiny man has appeared on the stage and he’s just watching me. I can’t really see his face, because aside from the dimmed lights on the stage, there isn’t any light. We just kind of stare at each other and even though my back is facing the door, I’m still tugging at it. My fear is back in high gear with the thought of just. getting. out when all of a sudden the door gives way and I turn to run.

Right into another dream.

I’m back in my room. In my bed. The night-light my parents keep on in the hallway is on. Everything is familiar, and yet, I know it’s a dream. Suddenly, I hear a something moving in the closet and I just know it’s not something I want coming out of that closet and yet, I’m not getting out of that bed, uh ah. No way. The closet slowly squeaks open and a hand and a knife appears from behind the door. Instead of running out of the room, for some reason I tuck myself under the blanket. I’m not sure why I did this because, hello! he has a knife!, but I think I figured if I can just be quiet he’ll go away. I know whoever was in the closet is out now and walking towards me. I see the shadow of his arm rise over his head and swing down towards the bed. He misses the blanket entire but he doesn’t try again. He slowly makes his way back to the closet and the door closes. The killer-slash-monster whatever is blind, he’s only allowed to try once, and as long as you stay under a blanket you’ll be safe. That’s what my mind registers are the rules operating this dream.

It’s at this moment I realize there’s some pattern to the dreams. The guy with the killer music let me go because I realized the music was killing people and I kept trying for the door. The snatcher from the wall couldn’t come through the wall entirely because the puddle-slash-wall-portal could only reach that particular size. And in the movie theatre whatever it was killing the others wasn’t killing me because I had popcorn. So, as long I kept trying to get out, didn’t sleep too close to a wall, stayed entirely under a blanket, and ate popcorn, I was safe.

So, my biggest fear as a kid? Well, it was probably myself because it really was my imagination getting the best of me. And do I still have that fear today? Yep, but I can better manage it. Firstly, I stay away from scary movies and books, anything that adds that type of fuel to that imagination. Secondly, a few years after that dream, one night my mind dreamed me putting all these nightmares into a closet in my brain. I dreamed of me pushing all these killer thingys through this door, in the middle of nowhere, and the locking it. I bolted that door, chained that door, and have no idea where I put that key. So now when my mind starts to wonder, I picture that door securely locked up tight, and I can walk way.

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